prelude to leaving this world

i won't lie

i'm scared. i'm scared of what i am capable of doing to myself. i'm insecure

i always have been. i've always needed constant reassurance to convince myself i'm worth anything. i hang on to every remark made about me. i don't have the confidence to just brush hate off and not let it effect me. it all effects me. some days more than others but i listen to the negativity more than i listen to the support. there's so much pain

and i know that pain is supposed to make us feel stronger but i'm getting weaker. and what if that's all life is for me?

just pain and no progress. i want to believe that my life isn't worthless and i can actually do some good in this world. but there's just so many people saying

kill yourself