australian idol

i was having a bad week - i crashed the car and the cat carked it

weighed myself outside woolies and i'd put on 4 kilos

arranged to meet an old friend for coffee

i poured my heart out - told her all about

poor dead fluffy

and the bloody car

and did she think i should go on a diet?

she studied my face

trying to frame the words to say

just the right blend of empathy and advice

she took a big breath

and looked into my eyes and she said

you should go on australian idol

even if you don't win

you'll have a great time

don't worry that you don't look like a supermodel

they're even letting fatties on there now so you should be fine

i said 'thanks

i feel a lot better now'

then i erased her number from my phone

i didn't know how much we'd grown apart

the very next day was my birthday

no one called

except my grandma

and she was drunk

she just needed a lift home from the pub

then that sunday night

i went to dinner with my rellies

they said 'happy birthday! do you mind if we put the tv on?

it's nearly the final of australian idol and kate

you should go on australian idol

you're much prettier than her - she looks like a pudding

'you'll win it no worries love' said my uncle

and i just turned and looked at him like he was something that i stood in

and don't get me wrong - if i turn on the tv and it's on

i can't stop watching. even with the ads

even with those two dickheads blabbing on between songs

i love to see their spirits crushed

their egos shattered

i love the ones that really suck in the first auditions

i love to watch them sob

their dreams in tatters

and i laugh while i eat my dinner

they're crying in their 5-star hotel

and i'm cackling on my cack-brown couch

and it's not that i am jealous

i'm not jealous

i'm not jealous

the next sunday

i had a pretty bad hangover

feeling pretty grumpy

sitting on the couch

eating pringles feeling sorry for myself

i flipped to channel 10 and before i knew it i was watching a really short guy

singing that really annoying song by craig david

suddenly i rose to my feet - it must have been divine intervention

i saw the light in front of me

and i screamed

why am i watching australian idol?

am i really reduced to this pitiful state? jesus

i may as well just head down to my local karaoke bar

or better still just change to sbs

you better believe it - i changed to sbs

so marcia

dicko

whatever your name is

shove it up your ass

shove it up

shove it up

shove it up

shove it up doo doo boo doo do doo

shove it up

shove it up

shove it up

shove it up doo doo boo doo do doo