i'm okay at basketball. baseball was more my thing. well
uh
i think they have a pickup game goin' on at 10 am tomorrow morning in the main gym for us freshmen
you playin'?
it's a co-ed game
so it's a good chance to see some hungover chicks run up and down the court
watch their titties bounce
and hopefully have them back up into your morning dick wood while you d up. that could be nice
you wanna head over to that frat party and start shotgunning some beers?
just give me a few minutes
i gotta call my family
tell 'em i'm all situated here. good deal. i'll be in the bathroom whackin it
that's because mrs. snidel had her eyebrows and babushka lasered off
hello?
hey mom
i'm at school
i'm all moved in
everything's great. oh
wonderful. what side of the room did you take?
you mean left or right or. what do you mean?
what side of the room? did you go window or electrical outlet?
there's
like
five outlets and the window's in the middle of me and my roommate. oh
so everyone wins
how nice. does your roommate do ecstasy or snort heroine?
i didn't ask him
mom. well
if he does
tell him you're not interested. not because you're a nerd
but say it gives you bad diareah
okay
ma
sounds good. yeah!
i gotta get goin'
there's an orientation party that's mandatory for freshmen to attend. oh
you should bring cupcakes. when you hand them out to the other kids
you say 'hi
my name's tyler
here's to a sweet first year at college!'
uh. okay. you won't
but you should
i will next time. say hi to everybody for me
mom. you say hello! it'll take you two seconds! they're all at the dinner table dying to talk to you. everyone
tyler's on the phone!
hey
hey
hey! mr. college!
who's on the phone?
tyler
mom!
let me talk to the superstar!
okay
here's your brother!
thanks
mumsy. hey shitstains
how's it hangin'?
not bad
pete. it's pretty awesome here. you gettin' laid yet?
nah
just unpacked. but i'm sure you found time to smoke a few dicks and lick a few asses
right?
no. how's the dining hall? full of tasty beaver?
yeah
there were a lot of cute girls. and the food wasn't too bad
either. they actually served chicken parmigian. why don't you slap some of that parmigian cheese on a big fat pair of college jugs and have them for dinner
you fuckin' dickwacker?
i'll work on that. der! anyways
i talked to a couple of my landscaping buddies and we figured that we got a long weekend with you in early rocktober
cause ronnie james dio is playin' up there. oh
okay. tell your roommate i got his bed
uh
you can sleep in my bed
that's where fitz is sleepin'
you fuckin' asshole!
hey
i just wanna say hello! give me the phone!
all right
dad! sorry i didn't go to college like alfred einstein here
but i'm a person too!
just give me the phone
moron. how you doin' kiddo?
good
dad. you enjoyin your freedom?
yeah. don't get anyone pregnant. i won't. okay. here's your grandma
dad
i don't have time!
say hello
there. who is it? the ladies from the classical shop?
no grandma
it's the pharmacy
oh
good! hi
dimitri
did the cream for my vaginal warts come in? cause
like
we're talkin' about they're starting to spread towards the anus. hahahahaha!
grandma
it's not dimitri
it's tyler. oh
hi
bubbie. why aren't you here? we're getting ready to eat!
grandma
we talked this morning
remember? i went away to school. oh
how marvelous! well
don't study too much or you'll drive yourself bananas! take some time for yourself too
thanks
grandma
i will
college is supposed to be fun!
yeah. i had my first gal on gal experience in college!
ooh. dee snyder was her name. too much hair downstairs. not for me!
that's nice
grandma. all right
don't pierce your nipples!
i won't. you didn't know grandma dyked out before
did ya?
no
fortunately she never told me. have fun gettin' that image out of your head tonight when you beat your meat!
thanks. uh oh
dude! someone else wants to say hello!
hahahahaha! did you hear that beef?
yeah
nice job. four straight seconds! let's hear you rip one that long!
i can't. damn right
you can't! 'cause they don't teach that in one of your stupid books! you're either born with it or you're not!
yeah
you got the magic. hold on a second
dildo
someone's at the door. i can't hold on
i have to go!
coming
just let me put the dog downstairs! okay!
you gotta be kidding me. (hello
there. bernie! what brings you over here?
i'm just returning the power drill walter lent me last week
that's not my drill
bernie!
well
i guess it's mine! may i eat now?
oh
that's why you came over. yes. terrific
come join us. pete
go get bernie a folding chair from the closet!
why can't grandma?
just do it!
thank you
walter. hello
yeta
how's your health?
my labia lips itch
but other than that
i'm fine. knock on wood!
see
yeta? the fake wood leg comes in handy!
true dat! hahaha)
hello? i have to go!
(sit down
mr. fetterman. but don't crush that big hog of yours!
pardon me?
i said tyler's on the horn from college
quickly
give me the phone! why does this phone smell so bad?
i dunno. i didn't fart in it! but i think my grandma crapped herself. oh
okay.) tyler
it's mr. fetterman!
hey
mr. fetterman
how you doin'?
do you have a roommate
tyler?
yeah
i do. i must speak to him immediately
he's in the bathroom. go get him and bring him to me
now!
okay. hey brandon!
hold on a second! come on
oprah. let me cum in your bellybutton! ohmygod! oh! love it. yeah? what's up?
could you do me a favor and talk to somebody for a minute?
yeah
sure. hello?
hello to you
my friend!
who dis?
the question isn't who i am
the question is who are you?
um. what does that mean?
it means you can't escape the truth! what are your plans? to turn tyler into a giant recording machine so you that you can take my thoughts to your leader?
uh. come again?
what is your real name? where do you hail from?
uh
brandon seikz
i'm from oceanside
long island. how dumb do you think i am? your name is 4-7 and you are a robot made in a factory on the planet yumnatz!
really?
i know this because i too have radar!
i see. we can make this easy or we can make this intensely difficult. the choice is yours. umm. i'll go with not difficult. fine. then pass this message along to your leader. i know about the pidgeons
so that's not gonna work anymore! i also have buried the blender in the backyard so better luck next time! i am not an amateur!
did not say you were. let's call it a truce
or let's call it the end of mankind as we know it! either
way
fuck you! are we clear
4-7?
oh
i get it. i'm on the radio!
then the message has been sent!
just give me the phone
brandon. nice talkin' to y'all!
die
alien!
sorry bout that
dude. not a problem!
don't worry
mr. fetterman
i got everything under control
i know you do
tyler
and if he causes any trouble just pull his battery pack
that'll take him out of the game. good deal. let me just say goodbye to my mother. right. and remember
no glove no love
all right?
yeah
i'll remember that. nancy!
hey
fuckface! have fun telling ghost stories tonight with your new pussy friends!
i will. suck a hairy nipple! here
mumsy!
stop cursing!
i wasn't
mom!
just go play with your cock and balls. right away
mom. all right
baby
did you remember to bring your dandruff shampoo?
yeah
i did
mom. take the label off if you're embarrassed for your roommate to see it. i will. okay
go have fun at the mixer. call us when you get back to your room
call ya? it's prob'ly gonna be late
ma!
that's no problem
we'll all wait up
bye bye!
man
my family ain't easy to deal with sometimes. nobody's is!
what
your family's a little nutty also?
oh yes. ya know? i should actually give them a call
too
let 'em know i'm okay. you got it
i'll be in the bathroom whackin it to my grandma eating out dee snyder. good deal. hello?
hey dad!
hello
son! did you join a fraternity yet?
i'm workin' on it
well
when you do
i'll come visit so i can fuck all your new brothers!