charles nelson reilly was a mighty man
the kind of man you'd never disrespect
and had a third nipple on the back of his neck
he ate his own weight in coal
excreted diamonds everyday
he could throw you down a flight of stairs
but you still would love him anyway
you know you'd love him anyway
charles nelson reilly won the tour de france with two flat tires and a missing chain
he trained a rattlesnake to do his laundry
i'm telling you the man was insane
he could rip out your beating heart
and show it to you before you died
everyday he'd make the host of match game give him a piggyback ride
he could melt your brain with his laser-beam eyes
he had his very own line at the dmv
that was something to see
charles nelson reilly sold his toe nail clippings as a potent aphrodisiac
he ran a four minute mile blindfolded with an engine block strapped to his back
he could eat more frozen waffles than any other man i know
once he fell off the chrysler building and he barely even stubbed his toe
had a tiny little scratch on his toe
charles nelson reilly figured out cold fusion
but he never ever told a soul
i've seen the man unhinge his jaw
and swallow a volkswagen whole
he'd bash your face in with a shovel if you didn't treat him like a star
you could spit at the wind
or tug at superman's cape
but lord knows you don't mess around with cnr