down to the old pub instead

lad

it's your duty to find ye a lass

with child-bearing hips and a pink

supple ass

and make her your wife

and love her with love so true

now some rivers run high

some rivers run low

when her river runs red and shes starting her flow

and it's called menstruation

and here's what it means to you

you will notice her bloomers are spotty at first

stand back

her ovarian dam's gonna burst

son

don't be afraid

it's a natural thing

just wad up some cotton and hand her some string

put the old linens on top of the bed

get out of the house and go down to the old pub instead

she'll retain her water

her breasts'll be tender

and every third word that you say will offend her

get out of the house and go down to the old pub instead

and she'll want to make love

if you do you're a fool

'cause you'll only end up with a bloody o'toole

get out of the house

down to the old pub instead

and she'll want you to sample the fruit of her loins

but son

it'll taste like some old rusty coins

so turn off the lights

boy

and take off your hat

and drop to your knees

say a prayer to saint pat

that he'll give you the strength to get out of bed

and for ireland's sake

go down to the old pub instead

now the pub is the place where the lads are a'meeting

when the moon's full and the gals are a'bleeding

the catholic

the protestants

even the pagan

the pub is the place when your lady is raggin'

so drink up your pint

boys

and thank your shamrocks

that as menfolk we don't have'ta bleed from our cocks

and that we can escape from the lady in red

and get out of the house and go down to the old pub instead