ned nostril (and his south seas paradise, puts your blues on ice, cheap at twice the price band - ikky-ikky, ukky-ukky)

well even when ned was a little-bitty baby his nose covered most of his face

and as he grew into manhood

it spread out all over the place

his heroes were carl malden

jimmy duranti

and pinoccheo

and all of his friends used to wonder just how big it was gonna grow

well growin' up was a problem for ned

he tried sports but he couldn't make it

on the football field the other team used to kick his nose and try to take it

basketball games were always the same: ned always felt inhibited

when the referee blew the whistle

and called him down for double-dribblin'

well

then ned had a brainstorm: he'd be a music man

so he rounded up his buddies

and he started a little band. now it's hard getting' bookin's when you're virtually new and unknown

but ned had a plan

and a name for the band

and a sound all their own. you see ned and the boys would sniff ragweed 'til their allergies were screamin'

then they'd harmonize with watery eyes and sinuses a streamin'

and ned took his liability; figured out how to turn it around

they wore hawaiian clothes

and ned played his nose and that was their sound

so if you wanna hear some wheezin'

and sneezing

and blowin

and goin' that's grand

go hear ned nostril and his south seas paradise

put your blues on ice

cheap at twice the price band

they're the best in the land

booked solid and in demand

ned tried to play the guitar

but his nose covered most of the chords. he tried to play the piano

but he couldn't see the keyboard. he tried to play the drums some

but his nose stuck to far out. and he couldn't play a horn

'cuz he couldn't get the darn thing up to his mouth

so if you wanna hear some wheezin'

and sneezing

and blowin

and goin' that's grand

go hear ned nostril and his south seas paradise

put your blues on ice

cheap at twice the price band

they're the best in the land

booked solid and in demand