peter and the wolf

hello

boys and girls. this is a story that i like to call

peter and the wolf. are you sitting comfortably?

are you!?

good

then let's begin. each character is represented by a different instrument of the synthesized orchestra. for instance

the part of billy the bird is played by a flute

like this. the part of bruce the duck is played by an oboe. louie the cat is a clarinet. all right

he's not really a clarinet. he's just - you know

he's represented by a clarinet. the part of the grandfather will be played by don amiche. he. what?

can't make it? oh. huh. okay

um

hmm

in that case

the part of the grandfather will be played by

huh

a bassoon. three french horns play the part of. uhm. three french horns. uh. right! the wolf. seymore the wolf. the kettle drum and bass drum represent the sub-machine-gun fire of the hunters. and

of course

as always

the part of bob the janitor is played by the accordion. well

that's it for the introductions. and now

the story. a long time ago

in a galaxy far far away. uh. oh

excuse me. once upon a time - i think it was last thursday - a boy named peter opened the gate and went out into the big green meadow. on the branch of a big tree sat a little bird. all is quiet

said the bird. holy cow! a talking bird!

thought peter. just then

bruce the duck came waddling by. bruce was very happy that peter hadn't closed gate and he decided to check out the deep pond in the meadow. billy the bird saw the duck

so he decided to fly down and pick an argument with him. what kind of bird are you if you can't fly?

he said; to which the duck cleverly replied

i'm a duck! stupid!

they argued and argued. the duck swimming in the pond. the little bird skipping along the shore. sorry. suddenly

something caught peter's eye - and you know how painful that can be. it was louie the cat crawling through the grass. louie the cat thought

if the bird is busy arguing

i'll just grab him. so quietly

louie crept towards him on his velvet paws. well

his paws weren't really velvet. they were

you know

kind of like velvet. it's a

what d'ya call it? uh

a 'metaphor'. it's a metaphor

get it?

look out! look out! look out! look out! look out! look out! look out! look out! look out!

advised peter. the bird immediately flew up into the tree. while bruce the duck quacked at louie the cat. from the middle of the pond. louie the cat walked around the tree and thought

is it worth climbing up so high

or should i just send out for pizza?

grandfather came out. he was all bent out of shape because peter had gone into the meadow. it's a dangerous place. if a wolf should come out of the forest

then what would you do

huh?

peter did not answer

because after all

it was a rhetorical question. boys like peter are afraid of a lot of things

like nuclear annihilation and flunking algebra

but they're not afraid of wolves. but grandfather got peter in a headlock and dragged him home

telling him that he was grounded and that he couldn't watch any cartoons for three weeks. just then

as luck would have it

a big

mean

hairy

ferocious

snarling

carnivorous wolf

huh

did come out of the forest!

but i guess we all knew that was coming. i mean

the story is called

'peter and the wolf'. we couldn't very well call it

'peter and the wolf' if there wasn't any wolf

could we? huh

that would be really stupid. the cat was up the tree in a twinkling; which is about

oh

2.3 seconds. bruce the duck quacked so hard that he propelled himself backwards and up onto dry land. for those of you taking notes

this is a fine practical example of newton's first law of motion

which clearly states that for every action there is

an equal and opposite reaction. but no matter how quickly bruce tried to waddle away

he couldn't escape seymore the wolf who was wearing his best pair of tennis shoes. the wolf was closing in on the duck. it was getting closer and closer and closer and then and then. he got 'em! he got 'em! oh no! oh

it was terrible! oh

oh i can't believe it! oh! the humanity! the humanity! oh my god! ahh-hoh

oh

huh. and then with one big gulp

seymore 'wolfed' him down. um

let me recap the story briefly in case you just walked into the room: louie the cat was sitting on one branch. billy the bird was on another branch

not too close to louie

and bob the janitor was at home defrosting his refrigerator. the wolf walked around the tree so many times that he made a small trench. meanwhile

peter was standing behind the closed gate

videotaping everything that was going on. suddenly peter got an idea. he ran home and got a big spool of his grandfather's unwaxed dental floss. one of the branches of the tree that the wolf was circling was conveniently stretched out over a high stone wall. peter scaled the wall

lickity-split

which is even faster than a twinkling. then he grabbed the branch and climbed onto the tree. peter said to billy the bird

i want you to fly down and circle around the wolf's head to distract him

but be very careful he doesn't catch you and

bash your skull in and tear out your lungs and chew you up into itsy-bitsy teeny-tiny little pieces. okay

said the bird. billy the bird almost touched the wolf's head with his wings while the wolf snapped angrily at him. go ahead

said the wolf

make my day. come on

cut it out

snarled the wolf

you're askin' for trouble

punk. but billy the bird just kept on harassing him. meanwhile

peter made a lasso out of the dental floss and

carefully letting it down

caught the wolf by the tail and pulled with all his might. feeling himself caught

the wolf got really ticked off and started jerking back and forth. peter tied the other end of the dental floss to the tree and left the wolf dangling in mid-air. hey

big bad wolf

said peter

why don't you come up here and get us now?

i would

said the wolf

but

well

i'm kinda tied up right now. just then

some members of the national rifle association came out of the woods

firing their magnums

uzis and bazookas. but peter yelled

don't shoot. billy the bird and i have caught the wolf. now

let's take him to the zoo. great idea!

said the hunters

and if he likes that

next week we'll take him to disneyland!

just imagine the victory parade. peter was at the head. but after a few minutes he was through and then the parade began with peter at the very front. after him

the hunters leading seymore the wolf. then grandfather

and louie the cat

and finally

bob the janitor who had to sweep up the whole mess. grandfather shook his head discontentedly

well

peter

what if you hadn't caught the wolf? what then?

well

said peter

he probably would have ripped out my intestines with his teeth. said grandfather

i know that

you idiot. it was a rhetorical question. above them

billy the bird chirped proudly. yeah

that's right. we bad. we bad. granfather decided that he'd had enough of the pond and the meadow and the whole stinking scene

so he ran off to los angeles and joined a heavy metal band. and what about bruce the duck? well

the wolf had been in such a hurry that he swallowed him. alive!

which means the gastric juices slowly disolved his body and he died a long

painful death. however

you'll be happy to hear that just a few years later he was reincarnated as shirley maclaine. and the moral of the story is. oral hygiene is very important. make sure you see your dentist at least twice a year