people's court

hello

judge wapner. let us on that people's court

hello

judge wapner

you're our court of last resort

our marriage is up against the wall

want to get on tv and tell it all

judge wapner

let us on that people's court

hello

is this judge wapner of people's court?

this here is arlo drukard of arlo's one stop gas station

beer

ice

bread

milk mini mart and all night video tape rental

judge

what we got here is a marriage that's a regular catastrophe

that's right. me and my wife

myrna louise

while once passionately in love

now find that life has dealt us a cruel blow

yes

sir. as we have matured

our tastes have changed and we've grown apart intellectually

philosophically

politically

and in our recreational and culinary interests and now fall along parallel lines which will never again intersect

what i mean judge is

i can't stand that woman

incompatible? no

i just hate her guts!

'bout the only thing we agree upon is to get on your show and fight this thing out

now myrna louise's momma has even knitted us his and hers matching

triple-knit leisure suits for the occasion

the litigates are entering the courtroom

the plaintiff arlo drukard and the defendant

his wife myrna louise

mr. drukard is filing for divorce on the grounds that myrna louise

has become an aerobics and health food nut who no longer shares

his life's interests of watching tv

eating large quantities of junk food and carp fishing

naw! i just hate her guts!

hello

judge wapner. let us on that people's court

hello

judge wapner

you're our court of last resort

our marriage is up against the wall

want to get on tv and tell it all

judge wapner

let us on that people's court

the judge has reviewed the case in his chambers and is about to speak

all rise!

i know you've been sworn and i've read your complaints

i've spent several hours going over the files that you've both presented and find this hard to believe

myrna louise

is it true that you've suddenly stopped preparing a breakfast of ham

eggs

grits

biscuits and cream gravy for arlo after having done so for six years and insist that he now eat a bowl of spinach crispies

sprinkled with wheat germ and topped with kumquat yogurt?

i just want him to be healthy

your honor

and arlo. is it true that without mryna louise's knowledge or consent you emptied out the entire contents of your ant colony into her best pair of one size fits all pantyhose that she used as workout leotards?

yeah i did

judge. i thought if she wanted to do them air-e-obic exercises

i'd really help her get them pudgy little legs off the ground

you should have seen her

judge

trying to get them things off

made jane fonda look like roy orbison. i mean them little fire ants will get you to move

dismissed! the people's court rules in favor of myrna louise!

the litigates are now leaving the court room. here comes myrna louise. you must be pretty happy. the judge ruled in your favor and gave you everything

i just appreciate that judge wapner so much. i've been thinking this over

however

and i do want to be fair. why

there ain't a vindictive bone in my aerobic conditioned

quivering

fire ant ravaged body. i'm going to let arlo keep his ant colony and a styrofoam minnow bucket

and here comes arlo

our disillusioned convenience store owner

i tell you

i'm still pretty dad-burned disillusioned

to tell you that. my marriage to myrna louise was my fourth

and i ain't come out of a one of them. i decided i ain't gonna get married again. no

sir. i'm just gonna go out every three or four years

find me a woman i hate and buy her a house. but

even though i lost i still suggest that all you with problems call up the judge and say: hello

judge wapner. let us on that people's court

hello

judge wapner

you're our court of last resort

our marriage is up against the wall

want to get on tv and tell it all

judge wapner

let us on that people's court