blessed relief and it just might be a one-shot deal ]
the adventures of greggery peccary!
oh
here comes greggery
little greggery peccary
the nocturnal gregarious
wild swine. a peccary is a little pig with a white collar that usually hangs around between texas and paraguay
sometimes ranging as far west as catalina
catalina
catalina
catalina!
this particular peccary is part of that bold. bold. new. new. breed. breeding. that distinguishes itself by markings which resemble a wide tie directly below the white collar
if it's wide enough
everyone will know
that the tie i'm wearing
is a symbol
of how nimble my mind will know
ooh-ooh!
hoon-hoon hoonna-han
hoonna hoonna
look out!
here he comes again!
oh here comes greggery peccary
yes it's cravy
cravy
yeah. hoonna-han
hoonna-han
every morning
greggery drives his little red volkswagen to the ugly part of town where they keep the government buildings. voodn
voodn!
boy it's so hard to find a place to park around here!
voo-voo-voo-nya-hoon
greggery peccary takes the elevator up to the eighty-third floor of a grim
gray
evil-looking building with a sign on the front reading: 'big swifty & associates
trend-mongers'. and what
might you ask
is a trend monger? well
a trend monger is a person who dreams up a trend
and spreads it throughout the land
using all the frightening little skills that science has made available!
and so it was
one fateful morning
greggery peccary made his way through the steno pool. hi mildred!
hello gladys!
wanda!
yes
from the moment they laid eyes on him
all the girls in the big swifty steno pool knew. here was a nocturnal
gregarious wild swine on his way up. a peccary of destiny
adventure and romance. is there any mail for me?
swifty's!
this is big swifty's!
at big swifty's we all know-ow-ow
you'll go
for any gimmick or gizmo!
wouldn't you rather be involved
in a series of colorful
time-wasting trends?
air hockey. biff. dush-h-h!
la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
youp youp youp youp
is your wife snoring by the sink?
la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
youp youp youp youp
ain't your life boring
don'tcha think?
youp youp youp-youp-youp youp youp
life is so much better
when there's some little something
to do!
does it matter that this waste of time is what makes a life for you? hmmmmm?
i must plummet boldly forward to my ultra-avant laminated
simulated replica-mahogany desk
with the strategically-placed
imported
very hip water pipe
and the latest edition of the whole earth catalog
and rack my agile mind for a spectacular new trend
thereby rejuvenating our limping economy
and providing for bored & miserable people everywhere some great new 'thing' to identify with!
we have got the little answers
to the things
that might be bothering you!
we have got your little toys!
busy makin' 'em
we're busy makin' 'em
busy makin' em
just for you!
yoo-hoo-hoo!
highly efficient
miss snodgrass!
and with that
greggery turned and strode nonchalantly into his dinky little office with the desk and the catalog and the very hip water pipe
and proceeded
with a vigor and determination known only to piglets of a similarly diminutive proportion
to single-handedly invent the calendar!
with his eyes rolled heaven-ward
and his little shiny pig-hoofs on the desk
greggery ponders the question of eternity
as mysterious angelic voices sing to him from a great distance
providing the necessary clues for the construction of this thrilling new trend!
sunday
sunday?
wow!
sunday
saturday. tuesday through
'monday - monday'!
sunday
saturday
and thus the calendar
in all of its colorful disguises was presented to the bored & miserable people everywhere!
greggery issued a memo on it
whereupon the entire contents of the steno pool identified with it strenuously
and worshipped it as a way of life
and took their little pills by it
and went back 'n forth from work by it
and paid their rent by it
and before long they were even having birthday parties in the office by it
because now
at last
greggery peccary's exciting new invention had made it possible for everyone to find out how old they were!
what hath god wrought?
unfortunately
there were some people who simply did not wish to know
and that's why
on his way home from the office one night
greggery was attacked by a rage of hunchmen!
making his way through the evening traffic
greggery notices that the other vehicles which crowd and bump his little red car are all inhabited by slowly-aging 'very hip young people.'
they appear to be casting sinister glances toward him through their glinting acid burn-out eyeballs
trying to run him off the road
or make him bump into something. giving strong evidence of hostile aggression!
to elude them
greggery takes the short forest exit off the expressway. they zoom after him in all manner of cars
trucks
garishly-painted buses
and motorcycles. greggery takes a bumpy trail off the main short forest road
which leads him up the side of a famous mountain
and into a strange cave on the edge of a cliff
not far from a little twisted tree. with eyes on it. meanwhile
the enraged hunchmen rumble through the short forest until
they decide to park their steaming vehicles in a circular pseudo-wagon train formation. and have a love-in!
under the influence of a fantastic amount of trendy chemical amusement aid
they proceed to perform lewd acts
rip each other off for small personal possessions
and dance with depraved abandon in the vicinity of a six-foot pile of transistor radios. what?
the hunchmen finally expire from exhaustion
and greggery
who has viewed the proceedings from a safe distance
breathes a sigh of relief. phew!
only to be terrified once again by a roar of immense laughter. ho! ho! ho!
which seems to be rumbling up from the very depths of the cave in which he has hidden his car!
good lord! what was that?
greggery doesn't realize he has concealed himself inside the very mouth of
ho! ho! ho!
billy the mountain!
ho! ho! ho!
and
as you all know
whenever billy laughs
rocks and boulders hack up
and the air for miles around is filled with tons of dust
forming a series of huge brown clouds!
who is making those new brown clouds?
who is making those clouds these days?
who is making those new brown clouds?
better ask a philostopher 'n see what he says!
greggery stops at a gas station and makes a mysterious phone call. is this the old loft
with the paint peelin' off it
by the chinese police
where the dogs roll by?
is this where they keep
the philostophers now
with the rugs & the dust
where the books go to die?
how many yez got?
say yez got quite a few
just sittin' around there
with nothin' to do?
well i just called yez up
'cause i wanted to see
a philostopher be
of assistance to me!
greggery receives information that 'the greatest living philostopher known to mankind' is currently in possession of the very information in question
and
furthermore
this information could be his
if only greggery would attend a 'special therapeutic group assembly'
and available at a special low low introductory fee. and now
here he is
'the greatest living philostopher known to mankind'
quentin robert denameland! take it away!
folks
as you can see for yourself
the way this clock over here is behaving
time is of affliction! now this might be cause for alarm among a portion of you
as
from a certain experience
i tend to proclaim: 'the eons are closing'!
make your checks payable to 'quentin robert denameland