you don't want to know

it was colder than a witches tit

colder than a polar bear's nose

colder than the shoulder of my old flame

colder than hell ever knows

not quite as cold as you think it is when the wind chill factors blow

but at centigrade and fahrenheit it felt way below zero

the electric duvet was cranked way up to 10

the gas fires were on full blast

when i get the bills from both of those boards i don't know if the money will last

i was fully clothed in my entire wardrobe but i still couldn't feel my toes

the pipes all burst and we had another first

the water in the toilet bowl froze

when the radio ordered me to stay at home i obeyed though i was miffed

but the roads were ice

there was a ton of snow

and when the wind blows snow will drift

i was brushing and flossing my chattering teeth and in the mirror i saw my breath

half frozen watching the tv news

the other half of me was worried to death

we've got helicopter rescues and freezing old ladies and the choochoo trains won't go

on the m4 there's a 5 mile tailback

lorries jacknifing in the snow

and it's summertime down in australia and what gets right under my skin

on the tv they showing suntanned cricketers

they're just rubbing it in!

and they're saying it's from siberia

that communist

arctic zone

what we've got is a russian plot to make the world it's ice-cream cone

whether we're gonna get a break

the weatherman will not say

i took my dog for a walk and he took a crap

you won't smell it until april or may

and the same thing happened here last year

but you don't want to know

in england people go around wearing raincoats and training shoes in the snow

it was the coldest day on record

in the coldest week in memory

it was the coldest month in the coldest year on the coldest night in history

but don't ask me just how cold it was

you don't want to know

on centigrade and fahrenheit it felt way below zero

i'm talking centigrade and fahrenheit

it was way below zero