your horoscope for today

aquarius

there's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus

fill that void in your pathetic life by playing whack-a-mole seventeen hours a day

pisces

try to avoid any virgos or leos with the ebola virus

you are the true lord of the dance

no matter what those idiots at work say

aries

the look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon

trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf

then give a hickey to meryl streep

taurus

you will never find true happiness - what you gonna do

cry about it?

the stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up

do a bunch of stuff

and then go back to sleep

that's your horoscope for today

that's your horoscope for today

that's your horoscope for today

that's your horoscope for today

gemini

your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence

your love life will run into trouble when your fiancee hurls a javelin through your chest

cancer

the position of jupiter says that you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud

try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test

leo

now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face

oh no

eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding

then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry quik

virgo

all virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you

expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick

that's your horoscope for today

that's your horoscope for today

that's your horoscope for today

that's your horoscope for today

now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely

that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have

a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you

but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions

are all based on solid

scientific

documented evidence

so you would have

to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true

where was i?

libra

a big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than you

laughter is the very best medicine

remember that when your appendix bursts next week

scorpio

get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window

work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem

you stupid freak

sagittarius

all your friends are laughing behind your back

take down all those naked pictures of ernest borgnine you've got hanging in your den

capricorn

the stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person

but you know they're lying

if i were you

i'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again

that's your horoscope for today

that's your horoscope for today

that's your horoscope for today

that's your horoscope for today

that's your horoscope for today

that's your horoscope for today

that's your horoscope for today

that's your horoscope for today